Parenting

Last month I attended a parenting presentation sponsored by the Crested Butte Community School's PTA. The speaker was Susan Stone Belton from Northern California. I enjoyed her presenation and want to record some of the notes I took, as the information may come in handy further down the road. Highlights from her session:

Three Golden Rules
Susan ended the presentation by sharing her Three Golden Rules of Parenting:
1. Spend time with your kids
2. Laugh and have fun
3. Tell your child you love them at least once per day - because you do!!!

Goal
"The goal of parenting is to raise a successful adult."

Vision
What do you want your child to be like as an adult? Loving, responsible, good decision-maker, giving, solid work ethic, happy… Whatever you choose, parents must start instilling those values in their child as early as possible. It is imperative that parents continuously model that behavior themselves. Children will model their parents' behavior.

Family Rules
Every home should have a written set of family rules. The kids should know exactly what the rules are, as well as what the consequences are if broken. It is the parents' responsibility to follow-through on the enforcement of the rules.

Discipline = Choices + Consequences
Susan does not believe in punishments for children. Rather, she encourages discipline through choices and natural consequences. In order for this system to work, everyone needs to understand the rules and the consequences of not following the rules (see above). When a child makes a bad choice, they must suffer the consequences. And learn from their mistakes. This will help the child learn to handle their disappointment. Teaching kids about making good choices and bad choices at a young age will prepare them for more difficult choices later in life, and hopefully they end up making GOOD choices when the consequences are even greater.

Here is a clip I found on her blog to better articulate this point:

"My child refuses to wear a jacket to school. What should I do?”

Many parents have asked me this question, and I laugh every time. My strong, healthy 25 year old son last wore a jacket when he was ten years old. Well, maybe eleven, but you get the idea. 

When my son refused to wear a jacket on a cool, rainy day in fifth grade, I pointed out to him that if he chose not to wear a jacket, he might feel cold and wet. If he chose to wear a jacket, he could always take it off if the rain stopped or if he got too warm. And then I allowed him to make his own choice, and to experience the consequences of his choice. I believe that children must be allowed to make some of their own choices and that people learn from making mistakes.

When deciding what choices to allow your children to make, you need to ask yourself, "What’s the worst that can happen?" I believed that the worst that could happen to my son is that he would be cold, wet, and uncomfortable. I could live with that – I was warm, dry, and comfortable because I made a better choice than he did. I also believed that my son was smart enough to learn from his mistake... if indeed he felt it was a mistake.

When I ask parents what’s the worst that can happen if their child does not wear a jacket, I always hear "My child will catch a cold". Today I found an article that supports my answer of "No, they won’t!" Children's Health at EverydayHeath.com says "bad weather does not cause colds" and indeed, "cold weather appears to activate the immune system", actually boosting your child's ability to fight off a cold. 

So this fall, let your child leave their jacket at home if they make that choice, allow your child to discover for themselves if that was a good choice or bad, and rest assured that the worst that can happen is not so bad after all!

Earning Responsibility
How do you change and adapt the rules as your child grows? Children earn responsibility. When they have followed the rules successfully and demonstrate they are mature enough to handle more responsibility, then give it to them. Susan thinks all kids should do their own laundry at some point before leaving home. She also suggested that Seniors in high school have no curfew. Many of the parents in the audience groaned at that statement. But her point was they would be out of the house going off to college in 6 months anyway. Why not set them up for success while still at home? If they fail, at least you are there to help pick up the pieces and get them back on course.

Insanity
Albert Einstein defined insanity as:
"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Susan reminded us that the same definition can be applied to parenting. If something isn't working, then try something else!


Mealtime
Susan's belief about dinnertime is that it is about being together, talking, and sharing your day. Sit down together as a family. This is a wonderful time to connect as a family. She does not believe in force-feeding. If a child does not want to eat what is in front of them, don't make them. But they should still sit at the table and participate at dinnertime. When they get hungry, they will eat. And certainly don't offer dessert or a late-night snack if they did not eat the meal that was placed in front of them.

Allowance
One parent asked what Susan thought about allowances. Her opinion is that parents should decide whether or not they want to give their kids an allowance - there is no right or wrong answer. But if they do decide to give an allowance, it should not be tied to chores. She believes the purpose of an allowance is to teach a child financial responsibility. Period. The amount of the allowance should be based on what it is to be used for. For example, if it is just fun spending money for the child to get toys and frivolous stuff, it should be a small amount. If the child is expected to use their allowance to buy clothes, then the amount should be larger. She suggests setting up guidelines that match your own financial goals (ie x% goes to saving, x% goes to charity, x% goes to spending). If you don't want to give your child cash, you can set up an allowance register. When you are out shopping and your child wants something, pull out their allowance register so they can see how much they have on account and can decide if they want to make the purchase or not. If so, deduct that amount from their allowance register. Help them understand the value of a dollar.

Some interesting ideas...